It was early on in our marriage that I came across a little insight about nagging that has saved me from a whole lot of foolishness. It was a simple explanation that reminding a man of things you’ve already told him is nagging. It’s disrespectful because it communicates things like, “You’re not prioritizing well.” Or, “You can’t even remember simple things.”
Oh. I never realized I nagged before I read that.
I needed to quit. Quitting turned out to be difficult and showed me more about my heart than I ever expected.
Sometimes I could talk myself through it. Say he forgets to pick up something at the store that’s important to me. I will make due without it or I will make a trip later. It’s better to have to run out again, even if it takes an hour, than to start tearing down my marriage by nagging my husband.
Other times it was more difficult. “Why doesn’t he make that phone call that I told him was really important? What if he misses a great opportunity because he doesn’t make the call in time?” But here’s the thing, God never told us to respect and submit to our husbands as long as it’s something that can easily be remedied or doesn’t matter.
In 1 Peter 3: 5 we see that there is a deep connection between hoping in God and submitting to our husbands: “For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands…”
When I try and control my husband’s behavior and get him to do things according to my schedule, I’m not submitting to his leadership and my hope is not in God. I’m hoping in my ability to manipulate circumstances. It’s not as if trusting God guarantees that circumstances will turn out that way I want them to. It’s that I trust that my obedience will bring God glory and that he will work out any unfavorable circumstances that result for my ultimate good.
So I came up with this little phrase, “Pray. Don’t nag.”
And when I am strongly tempted to remind my husband about something that’s not getting done, I pray for grace. I ask for grace to respect my husband. I ask for grace to hope in God instead of trying to manipulate circumstances. I ask for God to give my husband wisdom as he bears the heavy weight of making this decision and juggling it with all his other responsibilities.
Not every reminder is nagging. Sometimes my husband genuinely forgets things he wanted to do. If I think that happened I’ll remind him. But I try not to remind him just to bump something up higher on his to do list. I already said it. He knows it’s important to me. It’s time for me to respect my husband and trust God. I have been amazed at the joy this simple (but not easy!) practice brings us in our marriage.